when you’re as used up as can be

can’t anyone see me dying?

can’t anyone feel me grieve?

if i were numb

i wouldn’t feel this

but if i were numb

i couldn’t feel you

cause being numb is useless

and useless hearts are through.

the day i don’t stress about reason.

the day i make a healthy change.

today will be the first day of my life as the mother fucking queen.

if you know it’ll save my fate.

turn me into something useful

before it’s all too late.

i’m tired, i’m stressed. too many things make me cry. i’m sore, i’m out of shape. i hate looking at myself. it’s fucking terrible. no one should feel this low about themselves – i know that i never have.

i need to uncover my motivation, and pull myself out from under this whopping pile of shit. i know that getting sexified won’t solve all my problems, but it will at least make me feel the confidence that i have usually always had.

more than physical, i’m going mentally fucked right now. i complain, i cry, i doubt myself, i doubt others….. i question everything. i don’t want to have a heartattack and die before i’m 30. (or even after i’m 30, for shit sake).

3 main problems:

1: my job. i don’t get paid what i should be getting paid. i’m bored as shit with nothing to do all day. all the sitting is turning my toned body into jello. it’s fucking sick. financially, i should be at a job that made me more money.

2: social addictions. even though i can honestly say i don’t have a drinking problem, i probably drink too much. i should really stop smoking cigarettes (even though i don’t smoke SOOO many).  i need to drink less beer. i need to drink more wine. go to bed at 10 every night. social distortion is expensive as well.

3: creative outlets. there are a good handful of things that i could do to keep myself busy and creative. writing, singing, constructing, sewing… i don’t do these things because they cost money, and i don’t always have the time. but maybe i need to just make them happen. i think that if we can spend $40 (at least) a month on a band, we can spend $40 a month to keep me from going insane…. giving me a chance to feel accomplished, whether or not anyone cares.

okay, so i guess in a sense i know what i should do.  but that “motivation” part needs to be as solid as stone.

sooooooooooooo…. what’s my motivation? him? her? health? life?

i feel like it needs to be a little more concentrated. almost like an image of what i need to be.

as of now, i suppose i’m left to find that on my own. although, i can’t help thinking that motivation comes from the people that you care about the most. but asking would defeat the purpose, i would imagine.

i will find my motivation this week. it’s my goal.

i think that the things i want the most, surely aren’t what people would expect. of course, naming or listing any of these things is simply bad ju-ju at this point, so i’ll only give you a hint:

it has nothing to do with money.

although, unfortunately, i am certain i won’t get any of the things i want the most without that pathetic piece of stained green paper that has once been up a hooker’s ass.

does anyone else see the irony in this?

i don’t want you.

i want life.

i don’t need you.

i need life.

i refuse to be 30 and not have the special things i want.

(super tough, cori).

i will be 30 without the things i want. i’m not sure who i think i’m fooling.

maybe i really don’t deserve these things. maybe i have made too many wrong decisions. i don’t feel like i have. but either way, i’m sure it’s too late now.

fuck, all i do is complain in this blog now. gross.

do i encourage people? do i sit there and boast, promote and persist until someone says, “wow! you’re really good at that!”….?

what about the people that love me the most? you’d think they would notice the special things about you first.

or maybe, you don’t have anything about you that’s quite as special as you thought.

As a young mom, pushing for scraps on my own, I never expected anyone to take pity, feel sympathy, or give me anything for free. I knew that my decisions were my incumbency – and I wasn’t going to have it any other way. All I wanted was for my daughter to have the same chance at a spectacular life (or even more so) as any other child could potentially have.
I took some chances, burned some bridges – but never turned my eyes away from my priorities and the hope that I had in my family with Sophia.

A few years ago, I felt I was at the end of my rope with no safety net. I wasn’t happy, and my tiny best friend, Sophia Ariana, could tell. I knew I had to make changes for myself, but mostly, I knew that I had to make these changes for Sophia. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I also knew that – with God on my side – I have been through murky waters before. It was time to stop trying to remedy our situation, let go of the rope, and take the big plunge. Just me and my SoSo.
And we did.

One of the sturdiest hands to hold me up through this emotional, economical and physically tiring time, was Jason.

He didn’t ask for anything more than my happiness, and was determined to show me – no matter how proud I was – that he was a friend to Sophia and I. He knew I had work to do, and he understood why. He knew I had to use this time in my life to learn from myself, rather than anyone else around me. Jason understood that I had to prove to myself, and my baby daughter, that I was capable of making our life magic.

Without a doubt, as I grew, Sophia grew. And there was never a question that we were the best pair you had ever met.
That is, until, we opened up our hearts to the most amazing man I have ever known.

God knew I was brave. He knew I was strong. He also knew that sometimes, even I needed someone to fall into.

Jason loves me, and loves my crazy fantastic Sophia. Something I was only secretly hoping for. And, like her mommy, Sophia knows what’s important. She feeds off his amazing influence, and trusts him with her whole heart. She wants his opinion, and she waits for his consent. She knows what the two of us have been through together, and realizes that God has blessed us with this Daddy who would take on the world to make sure we will always be safe. It’s one thing to be a friend, but quite another to be a parent. Yes- QUITE another to be a parent with such patience, wisdom and energy to feed his children.

There aren’t many words to describe the joy I feel when I see them together… Us together. And now, I can truly understand what it means to build a family.

Happy Daddy’s Day, Jay baby. You deserve the universe to know what an incredible father you are.

there isn’t a place you could put me, a corner you could cram me, that i wouldn’t feel at home.

i have known too many people, too many times. you are the only person who has known me, and you are the person that i want to know too much.

if i had to choose between a smile and a tear, of course i would choose to smile. but if i must cry a million tears to create an ocean so you can find serenity, you will never have to ask me twice.

if every love song was about you and me, they’d all be true.  if i could write you the perfect love song, i would be capable of moving planets.

if we are poor til the day we die,  i have never been happier. if we become too wealthy for our friends, i have never been happier.

if your eyes see me the same way they search me, i am the most beautiful woman in the world.

you never need to ask for my help because when you take a deep breath, i will be your exhale.